#9 Future Me.

I don’t really have much to write, but i eel like making a post. Actually, no, I have a ton to write, but how do i articulate it? I don’t really know... I found this interesting website called like "Future me" or something like that, and what it allows you to do is send an email to yourself, but it wouldn’t be delivered till you say. So like, i wrote one, and I said not to deliver it till 2 years from now.

Its an interesting concept, and something that I think will be important for me. I always worry about changing for the worse. i know who i am now, but im afraid that’s not who I'll be 2 years from now. I'm afraid i might end up like being a total jerk or something. So i get to remind my self not to stray too far off..

i know its a dumb fear, but its something I think about sometimes. I wounded if i saw the future me in school, if i would be like "yeh, that kid's a douche" or something dumb. IDK if i'll like my self. Who knows.

I mean, I cant control who i become. Yes, i can to a point, but a lot of it is just how my personality shapes it self i guess. idk... We shall see i guess...

#8 I suck at being gay.

So how do i write this? I just don’t know. I'm so torn right now. For 2 years I've been sure i was gay. Positive, in fact. But lately things just seem to be turned up-side-down. No, I'm not going straight, that im sure of That, i believe is imposable, and anyone who tries is wasting their time. It's just that like, every time i get close to someone, it feels really wrong. I just get this gut wrenching feeling, and i want to just curl up in a ball, and not talk to anyone. i dont get it.

I'c been wandering if I'm bi lately. I know im completely sexually attracted to guys, and emotionally too, but it just dosnt feel right to me at all... So many things are swirling around in my mind right now, and clashing together, and all. It's confusing. i try just to not think about it, but that dosnt work.

I wonder sometimes if im destined to just live my life alone. If I'm just a misshapen puzzle piece, that has no place, has to surroundings that match my own self. I fear that might be true, and i hope its not. The worst part is, is that people can;t understand this. I can like someone, and it feels so wrong. what if thy asked me out? How could i say what im feeling? it wouldn’t be fair to them.

Id not feel like this all the time. It comes and goes. i don;t know why, or how, but i wish sometimes i could just be normal. People ask gay pople sometimes if they had a choice, would the be straight. The classic, and sensical answer is no. I'd stay gay, that’s how I'm meant to be, thats how im happy.

Than again, sometimes it seems like life would be soooo much easier if i wewre just straight. i wouldn't have to feel all this. things would go how their supposed to. Someday I would be happy with a wif, and kids, and everything would just be peachy. I know things will never be that simple, and i know that theres nothing i can do about it. I feel helpless. I am helpless. Its terrible.

I know from reading that some pele in my shoes feel even worse, or are even suicidal. I'm not, but i can almost imagine what its like. You know the people around you care, and you know that they dont want to see bad this happen to you. You know that, and still, there’s something missing, a void that can't be filled. Still despite how well liked you are, you can never feel quite right. You get to the poit where you just want to sit out. you don;t want to play the game any more. you know that no matter what its about suffering, its about never getting better its about pain. Its something thta can't be fixed, and you know that. You just don;t want to deal with it any longer.

I should be happy. I've got people that care about me, and want to be there for me. I've got friends, and family who are all great. I have food when im hungry, a bed when im tired, and plenty of luxuries that i enjoy too. should be happy like everyone else. And i tell my self i am happy, that everything is good. I tell ym self that, and i feel a faux sense of happiness for a little wile. Than i realize that im just lieing to my self.

When ever im in a situation that i dont like, or loath, I just tell my self it'll end eventually. Eventually, I'll be out of it, and i can just be happy. For so many other situations, that approach has worked. I don’t know if it will work here, I don’t know is I’m ever going to reach a point where i can feel like i have a place, where i can fit.

The only time i felt truly great was when i was in CO. It's like I didn't have to worry about any of this I was away from it all. I dont know if i just managed to not think about it, or if I was truly free. I know i felt good. i felt great, in fact. I felt like i fit somewhere, and i don't understand why. Of all places... I was a foreigner there. I hardly knew anyone but Dustin, his family, and a few of his friends. I think I need to get away from hre. From Where i am now. Too much of me that i don’t like resonates here.

I Think I’m realizing that I've never quite fit anywhere. i mean, I’ve fit in just fine. I've had my friends, my family. I've done the things that people do on a day to day basis, and have had every reason to be happy with that. Somehow im just now. There’s something about that place that is here. I can't stay here, and yet I'm left with no other choice. I have nowhere I can go. I’m anchored here, tied down. My family is here, and I'm not old enough to leave. There’s nothing i can do. Not for 2 years.

By that time, I'll be 18. My entire childhood, will have been wasted. i have so little time left to feel right, and it seems like I'll never get there, like there’s no hope. I wonder sometimes if there is hope. If there’s a way that I’m missing. Some solution that’s sitting right in front of me waiting to be realized, waiting to be acted upon. I don’t know. I have no way of knowing. I need something to save me from this place. I don’t want to be here.

-Reno

#7 A Battle on Every Front

That’s what it seams like. Lately i have no time to talk about the fast, because the present is happening sooo fast, and has sooo much stuff to go with it. Basically, Rob is back again, and trying to make my life hell. It's great. He's going on myspace, and sending all my friends messages saying "reno is a homosexual". That’s it. That’s the whole message he sends people. Most don’t believe it. but have friends who are suspicious. That’s school. I don’t care if people find out, it really doesn’t bother me. That’s just one of the many battle grounds. Next s my family. I have 1 brother and 1 sister. None of them know. Neither do my parents. As more people know, im sure they'll find out. The troops are waiting to engage...

Than there’s Dustin. Rob messaged him, so now its started. Maybe I'll come out to him, idk. we'll see.. That'll be all for now...

O, Comments are always appreciated.

-Reno

#6 An intermission:

I think I'll take a break from talking about the past for a lttl wile to cover some stuff that just happened. I was at an event at my school a few days ago and i got there kinda early, and was sitting around in the auditorium w/ some people i know. We were all just talking about what ever, and than it came up....

"Hey, reno, are you gay?" and "yeah, someone said you were going out w/ that far Rob kid"

Yeah, there’s Rumors. A lot of them. They got started when i "went out" with Rob for all of like 2 days. A lot of them aren’t true. Unfortunately, I don’t want any of them to be true, and most of them aren’t. I deny the ones that are.

"No.. I'm not"

Yep. Yet another lie. If i say that I'm gay, people assume all that other stuff is true, even the stuff that’s not. I'm at the point where i think I could come out to more people. However, at the same time, there’s too much crap that happened that’s still imprisoning me.

"Yeah, that’s what i though... Reno's not gay"

Laughter.. a few jokes. Someone brings up the stuff about Rob again, and i just shrug it off, and pretend to be completely weirded out like i don't even know the kid. I do know him, and i am weirded out by him, but that’s different, that’s not pretend. This is.

I feel like I've made so much progress.. So much progress. Than stuff like this happens. I slide back to where I was a year ago. I said I would never deny being gay if someone asked me directly. I broke my own promise to myself.

Again I'm left wondering what will happen next.

#5.. A New Chapter

Its been a wile since a last posted. I shouldn’t have waited so long because now i have more new stuff to say (and still a lot of old stuff) that I cant say it all at once, or at all. For one, I’m a lot more out than i was last time I posted. Maybe that sounds like a good thing, but its really not, and for all the reasons you wouldn't think.
I always wanted to come out to someone who really card, to someone who it would impact in some way. I wanted it to at least have SOME value somehow. It was sooo important to me, so i wanted it to be something. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. The first person i came out to wasn’t someone who even really knew me or cared. It was terrible. It was just some person, who sorta knew me. I didn’t even tell them. Rob did.
Now there’s a long story. Rob. I was on myspace, and i found Rob. Rob went to my school, and was openly gay, and i never even knew he was even really around. So i messaged him. i though "hey, maybe we might end up friends". That didn't turn out well. Rob is psychotic, and i did not like him... At all. We went out. I did it cuz i felt bad for him. It was pity. It lasted 2 days. That was it. I said he could tell a few ppl i was gay. he did. That was it. They knew, and it sucked. i didn’t even rly know them, and now im out. It was a dark few weeks in my life, and now its taken soo much meaning out of what was supposed to be something at least somewhat important to/for me.
Actually, that wasn't a very long story. There was no emotion involved but anger. And I really don’t feel like spending my time on anger, and other negative emotions. I think I'll move on.. Maybe I'll type more tomorrow.

4th post. Yippi!

I have soooo much to say, and i have absolutely no idea where to start. I already said a little bit of what i wanted to in the last post, but that doesn’t even come close to scratching the surface.
Dustin has probable been the person who has had the biggest effect on me in the past months, and years. I just want to add that there are lots of others I will talk about later. Also, I realized, looking back at my last post that I need to start from one point, and tell the story from there, or else this won't make any sense. So, where to start? I know.. How about the beginning? Ok. Sounds good.
I was in the 7th grade when I met Dustin, and several other key people. We were somewhat friends for a long time, before we really got to be really good friends. We'd hung out every so often, n stuff, but that was it. Looking back, I’ve realized I was a total jerk to him. At the time, I was just beginning to finally realize that I might be gay (although I wasn't anywhere close to calling myself gay yet) so I guess I had a lot on my mind, which put me in a pissy mood sometimes. All in all, I regret the things I have said and done back than. I mean, I really didn’t like Dustin, but he really wanted to be my friend, so I was insulting, and just downright cruel. This went on for like 2 years. It’s not like I went out of my way to torment him, but when I was around him, I just tended to be a jerk.
Finally, in 9th grade, he got me rly pissed. I forget what happened exactly, but I do remember it being some stupid little thing I could use to dissociate myself with him. i pretty much told him off one day. I said some horrible things. Dustin really wanted to be my friend, and I just totally rejected him. I said things that weren't even true, and I felt really good afterward. I felt really good for all of 2 1/2 days until I realized something. I've never been the sort of person that treats other people like absolute crap. It's just not me. I began thinking about why i acted the way I did. I never really came up with a conclusion. Oh well, what was done was done, right?
The fact is, he'd still try to talk to me on aim n stuff, and some times in school. on AIM, I just blocked him. In school, I just ignored him, and went on with my daily business. After a long wile, we ended up talking again. By this time, I had really gone through some change in my life, or something, idk. But we became friends again, and than really good friends, and eventually like absolute best friends. A lot of it had to do with the fact that i began to realize how much i really liked him, and by thins time i was fully aware of my gayness. Dustin was one of those people who isn’t flamboyant in any way, but is for some reason always made fun of for being gay to some extent. Its not like he’s a total social outcaste that everyone picks on, there’s just a good number of ppl who didn’t like his for some reason. I kind of thought he was gay as well, but i wasn't sure. i felt like if he was, he could be the one person i knew who would understand what i was going through. This is why we became such good friends. I'm yet to tell him I'm gay. He has absolutely no idea.
The fact is, he always really really wanted to be my friend. This time, i also wanted to be his friend, so things just grew from there. Just at what seemed to be the peak of our friendship, I got the crappiest news possible: He was moving. Not just to the next town over, but several stats away to Colorado. I didn't believe him at first. he's the sort of person who says such dumb things on a regular basis that your not really sure if he even knows what he's talking about most the time. It turned out to be true, and he was in fact moving. When I got this news, i didn’t know what to do. I felt the one person who I could relate to in some way was going to be gone. I thought that I should come out to him now, before he moved. I came close. Really Close.
I was at his house the night before he was leaving. His house was rather empty as they were packing n all. I remember i had been totally hyper (im a rather energetic person already, so when im hyper its just a lot worse) and we had just been completely off the walls.
Finally, we both ended up in the closet in his room. I forget why, but we were there.
There was this rack attached to the wall, and he was sitting up on it, and i was under him, leaning against the wall. we were just talking. All the lights were off. It was just our voices in the dark. We would talk a lot, about all kinds of stuff. I had never realized he had so much to say. i really wanted him to know what i had always been hiding, and i felt now would be the time. The moment seemed so right, and he would be leaving the next day. i started in on it. i explained how i felt so different from other people, and i got right up to where i was supposed to say "I'm gay" though much less bluntly. I just couldn't do it. I ended up changing the subject. I had the perfect opportunity, but i passed it up, because i didn’t know how he would react. I was afraid he might just freak out on the spot, maybe his parents would than find out, and just kick me out of their house right than and there, or maybe they might call my parents, and tell them.
The risk seemed to grate. I eventually had to go to the bathroom, so i got up, opened the door, and walked out of the closet, though the fact was, i was still very much in "the closet". At this point i couldn't tell if he was gay or not. i seriously thought he was for a wile. He had had girlfriends, but it almost seemed like he was attracted to guys more. There’s a lot of other stuff that contributed to my thinking he was gay, and its some important stuff, but I think I'll cover it later.
My dad came to pick me up a few hours later. As i was getting ready to leave, we embraced, and than he game me some contact information so i would be able to get a hold of him when he got to Colorado.
The next day, he was gone. I went to school, and he wasn't there. i knew that would be the case, but it really hit me hard. I didn’t know if i would ever really talk to him again, and i didn’t know if i might talk to him a few times, but just kind of loose touch. I just didn't know.

Being gay, and friends.

(Note- names used here are made up, and are not the real names of the people they describe.)

I have this friend. We're like best friends. We've known each other for a few years, and have gotten really close. For now, we'll refer to this friend as Dustin, though that is not his real name. So, back to the story. Dustin and I were really good friends, and everything was great. One day, however, he moved away. I'm not going to say where, but it was far enough that it pretty much takes an airplane to get there. That was a hard moment in my life. I'll explain why:
Its hard to admit it, but the fact is I had, (and still do to some degree) a completely crush (for a lack of a better word) on Dustin. In fact, that’s the entire reason we became as close as we are. I always hoped he was gay, and for a wile, I was pretty sure he was. It's become rather apparent, however, he's completely straight, and absolutely not gay. So the situation is this: I'm madly in love with Dustin, who doesn’t even know, and he is just a rally good friend to me. It almost makes me feel guilty to some extent. I don’t know why. Just something about me being such good friends with them because I’m so into them, and them not even knowing it.
At first, that’s why I was friends with him. I just wanted to be near him, with him, around him etc. After a wile, and more recently, I think that’s subsided, and what’s left over is a true friendship. There’s no one in the world I trust more than Dustin, and even though he lives so far away, we still are best friends. All the stuff I've said above has had a huge effect on my life, and you'll see why later. Or… maybe now.
I always tossed around the idea of coming out to Dustin. I'm pretty sure he'd accept that I’m gay, and wouldn't hate me for it. There’s always just been one thing stopping me. I knew if he knew I really "liked" him, that he would probably find that repulsing. And i know if I told him I was gay, I would also have to make it clear that I wasn't sexually attracted to him in any way in order to avoid him taking it badly. I knew if I told him, and he thought I was sexually attracted to him in a big way, that would just freak him out. The fact is, I was completely attracted to him. I couldn’t tell him that, and I couldn't lie. So I never told him I was gay. It seems that I've kind of moved on. I'm really not as into him as I was. It seems like I’m getting close to being able to come out to him comfortably (as comfortable as coming out can be :p). There’s a lot that fits between everything, but I'll save it for another time.
To sum it all up, I thought for a wile Dustin was gay. For a wile, I was sure of it. After that, I began to realize that notion was the epitome of wishful thinking. That the one thing I wanted desperately, I couldn't have. It took me a long time to get over this, and it resulted in some very tearful times as well. I plan on going into this a lot more in later posts. I'll also be posting about stuff that happens in life day to day.

Well, until next time..
-Reno Sand

Why this blog? And about me.

Why this blog? The answer is slightly complex. I do have another blog, where i use my real name, and talk about my real life. The only problem, is I can't say what i want to say. Like i said, I'm gay. That’s a big part of my life. There’s a lot that happens in my life as a result of my being gay. The fact is, I cant talk about these things in my other bloggs, or in real life because im not out, and im not ready to be out. I cant say what i want to say, because im still hiding. I need an outlet to say the things i need to say, or want to say, but don’t necessarily want ot be held accountable for saying. So this is where i ca do it. I can say what i feel, i can talk about the emotions im feeling, and i can be me.
That makes no sense at all. i said i can "be me" but the fact is, in order to do that, i need to hide certain things, like my name, or where i live. In doing that, im still hiding, just in a different way. I really dont know... I'll just have to see how things turn out.
Its hard to write this. Its hard to write, with out giving away too much information. If i say too much, than people might find this blog, and know that I'm gay. I know the chances are slim, but i could happen. So here goes my attempt to describe my self, wile at the same time not really describing my self in sufficient detail.
Physical- I'm about 5'7", and i have dark brown hair. It almost looks black, but apparently its not. Its just extremely dark brown. I'm probably about average weight. I know, who cares, right? Ok, moving on.
Interests- I really like Photography. I don't actually own a good camera, but i love taking pictures, especially of things with some sort of artistic value. I'm trying to get a decent SLR right now, but so far i cant really find anything. I don't really know why i like photography, but i do, so that’s all good i guess. I also draw a lot. I tentd to draw in a very animeish way. which is good, i guess. I also draw a log of just downright freaky stuff that somehow appeals to my weird since of humor. I also like certain arcade games, but im not going to go to far into that area.
As far as my personality ids concerned, you'll never find another person quite like my self, or so I’ve been told. I guess if i had to describe my own personality, I'd say that you'll never really know exactly what to expect. I can at times be intellectual, at other times I'm just a total off the was freak (in a good way.. i hope) and some times im just laid back, and enjoying life. Ask anyone who knows me, and they'll probably tell you i'm kinda known for doing just insane, stupid, or weird things n public,
like asking random people really random, and weird questions, or sometimes tripping and falling in a crowded hall way at school just for fun (see? I'm kinda strange like that. I find tripping fun ^^). Don’t get the wrong impression, im not a total freak, i just like to have fun in strange ways sometimes. You'll see later on what I mean.
As far as what i want to do with my life, I hope to become some kind of activist. There’s nothing I love more than working for a cause, or trying to change my surroundings in a positive way, or improving my community by taking various issues on, and fighting for what right. It may seem idealistic, but i really think more people need to stand up, and really make a difference, really change the world somehow. If 100 years from now, 3 people remember me for doing something good, for changing something that needed changing, for helping someone who needed helping, I'll be perfectly happy. To change the world. That’s all I want to do in life; to make things better.

I am Reno Sand,

Actually, I'm not. Reno sand is a completely made up name. I do apologize if someone else shares this name. I can assure you i thought it up all by myself, and didn't try and steal someone else’s name. Ok, so this is pretty boring so far. So, about me: Like i said, my name is not Reno Sand. I'm not going to tell you what my real name is, and I'll explain why later. For starters, I'm 15, and will be 16 in April. I live in a town in Upstate New York. This place could be anywhere between Albany and Buffolo. I don’t really want to disclose my exact location either, but that should give you a general idea, if you know the area. I'm currently in high school. As far as interests, I really like art, photography, computers, and a lot of other things. And, to top it all off, I'm gay.

So, there’s my reason for not disclosing my name- I'm gay, and I’m not out. So, basically I don’t want someone i know to run across this blog, and than somehow figure out i wrote it, and that I’m gay. I'd come out, but I don’t know how people would react. Really, I'm just not ready for what happen. I don’t want to risk people hating me, etc.

I just realized this is sounding pretty boring. The fact is, I don’t have much to write about at the moment. I created this blog, because i know there will be things in my life i want to talk about. It will get interesting, i promise :p

Well, here’s my idea- I'm going to start my first few posts with like a little bit of my bg, stuff like who I am, what i like, where i am, why i am, what kind of person i am etc etc. So, yeah, stay tuned.